manbuycowfandomcom-20200215-history
Grett Binchleaf
Grett Binchleaf is a soft-boiled private detective with a crippling fear of pies. History Son of Crabchenko, a crab evil shapeshifted into a Mecranian mans body, and Stevella a violent racist Ukranian. Grandmother was Bertrude Binchleaf, the first Ukranian woman to be fitted with a bazooka proof head. Was given the power of growing clothes as a baby by the Space Wizards, as they thought he would grow up to be the immortal god Gretatiti Binchra, and would be destined to travel back to Ancient Egypt. He convinced himself he vanished his parents in a magic act at age 8, when in actuality he helped his dad kill and bury his mum. His Dad then hid from the law and he went into an orphanage. His brother dick was posted to him later. His foster mother is called Tedwina. He had another foster family of Italian dwarves who he killed by eating all their food. Went to Wimble Valley School in 1982, aged 16-18 making his birth year 1964-1966. this mean's he's in his 47-49 years old at the start of Books based on the original release year of 2013. There he developed his fear of pies He became a Space Wizard (childrens' entertainer who refuses to do work for children) and ate all the chips. During the Adventure of the People Getting Abducted by Crabs he became a detective, learning from Susan Cheesinabag, who he fell in love with. He had false memories implanted into him which included being an ancient Egyptian God. He was killed by a genie he had locked up in ancient Egypt and spent 3 years in hell eating babies. He came back to life when the genie died,took the genies magic trench-coat and hat but lost the power to grow clothes. Susan and her "sisters" Jimberies are abduceted by CRABS into space. After the adventure he became a private eye, rented a shed on the roof as his office and took Susan Cheesinabag's amnesiac sister "Wendy" as his receptionist. Grett is a keen writer and writes his adventures in unpublished novels. although they are mostly, if not entirely made up. He may have been thrown out the army after the incident of the spooky pie monsters, although this detail could only be true in Grett's writings. Five years after the end of crabs his mother returns and tries to turn him, Wendy, his brother Dick and his friend Nathaniel Chuff into books as revenge in the Adventure of the People Turning into Books. Grett and his father defeat and kill his mother. Middle names * Scott * Nagreen * Erroneous (B2C9) Characteristics Established in Books * He lives in a shed on a roof. * He has an irrational fear of pies, AKA flanophobia - his Achilles meal. * He's fat. * He has scabby lips * He wears a crappy suit. * He's half Ukrainian and half Mekrainian. * He's an orphan. * His parents sent his brother to him by post. * He's an amateur magician. * He tugs his cuffs when he does something he's proud of. (Book 1 Chapter 7) * He's poor at one-liners but enjoys doing them anyway. (Book 1 Chapter 7) * He has killer pie strokes (tart attacks) when exposed to pies.(B1) * He likes cheese milkshakes.= * He likes cheesy morphine (intravenous cheese milkshakes) Established in Crabs * Is a space wizard (children's entertainer) * He grows clothes (non text canon in B2E1, canon in B2E2 for Grettatiti Binchra) * If he's confused his socks change colour (B2E4) * Wears trousers on his head. * He ate all the chips (B2C1) * Went to Hogwoorts in 2010 (B2C5) * Plays the Ukulele (B2C5) * Is secretly afraid of boobs (B2C8) * Can't put his trousers on properly (B2C8) * Has 12 chins (B2C8) * His hat and trenchcoat belonged to G Nee the genie(B2C8) * Foster family is Italian and he killed them by eating all their food(B2C9) * Greenpeace once mistook him for a whale. (B2C10) Later books * The correct possessive and plural form of Grett's surname is "Binchleaves". * He thinks he's a dwarf. He may in fact actually be one. * There's something "strangely magnetic" about him. (Book 4 Chapter 1) * He's irresistible to women, or so he claims. (Book 4 Chapter 1)He pats himself on the head when he's pleased with himself. (Book 4 Chapter 1) Grettisms Grett is known to employ certain modes of speech, known as Grettisms. I tell you what I think. (Follows the formula "I think X. I also think Y.", where X is an outlandish and out-of-context statement and Y is a slightly more to-the-point explanation of Grett's take on the situation at hand.) * I think that if you hollowed out a cockroach you could make a canoe for ladybirds. I also think ... (B1E1) * I think if you sellotaped an insect, let's say a cricket, to a nocturnal mammal, let's say a bat, you could call it a cricket bat all you liked but Imran Khan wouldn't buy it. I also think ... (B1E2) * I think it doesn't matter what name you give to a sheep, if you put mint sauce on it, I'm calling it dinner! I also think ...(B1E3) * Grett thought to himself "Since hammocks are woven from wool, surely they should be called lammocks". He also thought ...(B1E4) * I think that since airplanes have seats on them, they should be called chairoplanes. I also think ...(B1E5) * I think if the Queen has information about spies she probably keeps it on Her Majesty's Secret Surface. I also think ... (B1C6) * I tell you what I know. I know that if we play eye spy and it's something beginning with Q, the answer better not be cucumber. I also know ... (B1C6) * I think if you drove a steamroller over Kathmandu, they wouldn't call it Flatmandu, they'd call it Flatmendon't. I also think ... (B1C7) * I think if you open a foster home for dwarf children with dead parents you should call it a dwarfanage. I also think (B1C8) * I think if a bunch of black and white bears decided to form a tribute of famous German Euro disco band and did a concert at which the crowd went completly wild, they'd be called Panda Boney-M. I also think... (B1C9) * I think if you put a thing, next to another thing, you've got two things next to each other. (B1C10) * I think if you put a bunch of homeless people on a ferry, you can call it a hoboat. (B1C10) * I think if the hair on your face is afraid of spiders then you should call it an arachnophobeard. (B1C10) * I think if your name's Mr Nogg Graphy, you better make sure you don't lose all your money or people are very likely to call you poor Nogg Graphy. * I think it ain't over till the fat lady sings, and as far as I'm aware there are no songs where the only lyrics are sausage, or sausage. I also think (B1C11) * I think that if you wipe your arse on your dinner then you better be prepared to go hungry and have a dirty arse. I also think (B1C12) * I think if you've got long hair, you're a hippie. If you've got a long face, you're a horse. And if you've got long branches and a trunk then you're very probably a tree.(B1C12) * I think that if the A Team embarrass themselves by getting Face kidnapped, in order to save face they need to save Face. I also think (B2C7) * I think if you cross a sheep with a kangaroo, you don't get a woolly jumper, you get half a dead sheep glued to half a dead kangaroo, and I don't see why you'd want that. I also think (B2C10) * I'll bang you what I bang. I bang that if you thud a bang bang then they should banging well thuddy thud it. I also bang bang" (Bedlam) - Brigadier Binchleaf * I think if I had a massive pole that pointed North, I wouldn't let polar bears near it. I also think... (Bedlam) - Brigadier Binchleaf * I think that a clock is right twice a day unless it says its quarter past milk, in which case it’s just wrong (Missing Leg). * I think is in the eye of the beholder, and its bleedin’ difficult to see beauty when you’re going around holding a bee (Missing Leg). As Grett liked to call it ... and did. * His no nonsense technique was already getting Ava hot and bothered. Or hot and boobered as Grett liked to call it ... and did. "You look hot and boobered". (B1C1) * All in all, he could have suffered Egypt well enough with its interminal heat and its weird bum milk if it weren't for his arch enemy, or as he liked to call him, his arch anyyou, and did. "I could suffer the heat and bum milk if it weren't for my arch anyyou". (B3C3) * ...notoriously slow metabolism. Or as I like to call it me-tabalism. Me-tabalism! (B2C9) * Grett fastened the belt of his trench-coat to conceal his diplodocock, as Grett liked to call it, and did. "I'm concealing my diplodocock! he shouted at no-one..." * "... He was still able to communicate with the cells below via morse code. Or Bango Floor Talk as he liked to call it. And Did.... **bang-bang bang bang**" (Bedlam) - Brigadier Binchleaf * "Ghetto Penthouse, or Gretto Penthouse as he liked to call it and did, "Gretto Penthouse!" (Bedlam) - Brigadeir Binchleaf * "That is a portal to another meniverse. Or Universe as I like to call it, and do. Universe!" (Bedlam) - Brigadier Binchleaf Hot and boobered. Grett tends to refer to women he fancies as hot and boobered, largely because he is obsessed with breasts. * B1C1 (original) * B1C11 Mangela Binchleaf * B2C5 revisited the original with brain funnel. * Howard quotes it in the live Missing Leg story, to further aplomb Blurting out things * Unlike the fictional Binchleaf, Grett had no talent for coming up with witty aphorisms on the fly. He'd rather do willy jaffa jizm in her eyes, he thought, looking at Felicity. "I'd rather do willy jaffa jizm in your eyes" he said before he could stop himself, which his hard won detective instincts had told him had been one of them wrong things to say. I thought we we friends * B1C11 Crabchenko, why? thought we were friends? * B2C8 Grett to the genie. That's not something you see everyday. Something you do see everyday is * your mum using a chip pan to hit your dad round the head. (B2C5) * people pointing at you and singing "Who ate all the pies" Inculcating you first with a hatred of pies then ultimately causing a crippling fear.(B2C9) * unbaptised children (B2C9) * the ghost of that poor amputee kid that one christmas you mistook for a roast chicken and pulled the skin off (B2C10) Falling down on his knees and saying "Noooo!". * B2C5 when Arthur Pasty is put to sleep by Inuku * The genie does this when he accidentally reverses all his wishes (B2C8) Dead wives One Liners Usually said after killing someone, then he will tug his cuffs if he's pleased with himself Reasons Name * Named Regrett on account of the fact his parents had regretted having him. * Called Grett after his Grett-Grandfather * Middle Name Scott, named after Scott Bakula off of Quantum Leap * Parents wanted a girl and had the name Greta picked out. * Parents wanted to call him Brett but were scared of bees. * Found in the lost luggage office in Gretna Green. * Grett is able to go at a fairly brisk speed so his Italian foster family called him Allegretto. (B2C9) However this is just what he tells people because... * He once called spaghetti "spagretti" so people called him Spaggy Grett. * D'Space Wizra says there is a legend that says that Grettatiti is short for "great at time travel" * As a baby had been found an equidistant inch away from a bee and a leaf in a pokey dismal attick room. "Garret Bee Inch Leaf" (Bedlam) - Brigadeir Binchleaf Fear of Pies * Implied from a previous adventure called "Grett Binchleaf and the Incident of the Spooky Pie Monsters" (B1C7) * Sheadious Funk put loads of spiders in his pie at college. * Gets buried in pies at school during a fire. * People kept singing "who ate all the pies" making him hate, then eventually fear, them. Dead wives * They fake their deaths to get away from him * Inuku vows to kill them all throughout history to get back at Grettiti for stealing the admiration of the Egyptians. Aliases and versions * PC World (B1C6) * Mr Mumgarden (B1C6) * Grettatiti Binchra * Vile Grett * Writer Grett * Brigadier Binchleaf * Altergrett Twinleaf (B1C7) * Robogrett (B1C8) * Grettatiti Binchra (B2C3) Weight Book 1 * Is described as fat in Chapter 1. * In Chapter 6, waits 3 years in his office and gets much fatter. * In Chapter 8 he is revived as a mechanical robot, and is no longer fat. Book 3 * In Chapter 5 he's revealed to be simply be muscular and to be the world's fifth strongest peron, and has been deliberately disguising his physical abilities. * He is eaten by a glow-in-the-dark chicken in Chapter 8. * He returns in Chapter 9 as a fat man because he has eaten a large part of the giant chicken to escape from its stomach, as well as Princess Leia because he couldn't see what he was eating. Voice His voice changes quite a bit varying between; * Micheal Caine * Mike * Zippy * Adrian Edmondson